This is one of my frist semi-days off... by that I mean, I worked for my dad's company, which is a little more slow paced, and little more liesurely... but all the same, it's work.

I'm still being lazy with those 2-D drawings... I should really take them to get them scanned or something... but I've been busy and then by the end of the day, I just don't feel like it anymore.

I called the asst. dean of the school Ed was planning to get me in to. The program was sculpture based... $3,125.00 to attend, and I would have gotten a half scholarship... I declined for a couple reasons. One, because I know that I won't be allowed to not work for 5 weeks, and my one job will drop me. I also don't want my parents spending $1500 to send me somewhere... it's contradictory to the point of me working. She told me that I would have to describe my work in my own words to her... I hope she didn't mean over the phone... I wasn't really prepared to do something like that. Sometimes I barely even know what I'm doing at the time, let alone afterwards...

As of late, I've been in a rut. Bouts of self-hatred and desperation, separation anxiety, lonliness, regret and remorse. Overall, things aren't so bad I guess, but more and more I keep running across things that upset me. And I mean, I'm smart enough to realize that I need to not think about those things, but, again, this stems from never talking about what's bothering me beyond ambiguous terms so that I leave everyone in the dark. It's my own fault. I just wish that I didn't feel so awkward trying to explain myself, or feel like I'm being judged.

I guess as of late, my major problem is trying to figure out why no one respects me... Not like as a superior (I'm not by no means), but just as a person. I kinda feel like to others, my opinions don't matter. My feelings on any subject are unimportant to anyone, and they'll disregard how their actions may affect me. I try my best to see past it, but I think I just want one person to sit down and agree with me... I want someone to tell me I'm right. I want one person to agree to fight for me for a change, but that's not going to happen. I need to do these things by myself. Another person's words won't mean anything. Whether of not I have somone's support won't matter...

As far as artwork, I've been flooded with some strange ideas lately...
I guess it's a reflection of my mood.

Beyond that, nothing exciting. I'm working for my dad until saturday... then back to toys r us... then who knows... Oh, I'm expecting them to notice that I didn't punch out for lunch. I just realized it today, so they'll probably chew me out. Maybe not since I'm still new. But I don't care much. Worst case, they'll fire me and I'll find something else...